Frostbitten

*I wrote this yesterday, July 11th, while driving to Sioux Falls to pick up my aunt from the airport.*

“Life sucks. That’s about the only way that I can put it. It’s not just one thing either – it’s everything. I’m being beaten financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve never before felt so alone, so immanently defeated. It’s as if no matter which way I turn, whether to run or fight; or what I do, I’m losing. That’s if I already haven’t been beat. This is probably news to anyone, regardless of when you last spoke to me.

I keep secrets; lots of them. I love a feeling of seclusion. I love the protection that secrecy brings. There are very few people that I will talk to about my deepest feels, my darkest thoughts. Normally, I wouldn’t even consider writing this down for others to read, let alone post it on a public blog, but I’m too tired to care. I’m wasted, faded, and degraded.

I should be working 60 hour weeks. I should. Unfortunately, I’m not. There was been a continual dowsing of rain that has kept me to a low 50’s.My savings account is low, to low. I got a pay raise, but my car repairs have added up to over $800. Granted, I have bought a substantial amount of gear, but that was necessary for me to be able to do the outdoor activities that are pretty much the only thing that keep me from just giving up. If this was all, I could handle it. It’s not. My scholastic finances are based heavily on scholarships. The year started out well. Grove City College gave me $6900, which was the same as last year. The disappointment came from the Marine Corps Scholarship Foundation. This year I am only getting $2200, down $1300 from last year. I was hoping for an increase since my academics have been solid, but because my sister is out of school now, they think that my parents can supply more money. This would be true except that my parents aren’t paying any of the bill. So now I can take out more money in loans, which coupled with an increase in costs (car) means that I’m getting dangerously close to my loan limit. At this rate, I’ll not make it to my senior year without taking a break. Furthermore, I was hoping to change jobs to something more outdoorsy, but if this keeps up, I’ll be forced to keep coming back to SD to work because of the pay.

Not to sound rude and ungrateful, but life here is hell. It’s awful. I know no one my age, and very few people in general. I’m stuck in rural living with no places to go, and no friends. I don’t drink so that pretty much negates any events locally. Living with my grandparents is trying. My grandpa has the privilege of possessing the most irritating personality traits than anyone else that I know. My grandma is cool, and we get along well. I’m very grateful form them letting me stay here, and like I said, I’m not ungrateful, just frustrated.

Work is getting harder. I’m swearing more, laughing at more crude jokes. Even making crude jokes. I’m constantly degraded for being a virgin, for being a Christian, for not drinking. I’m yelled at for no reason, mocked incessantly and I’m run ragged trying to hold together my fragile shell that is my protection from the world. There is a stubborn silence from God, and a distinctive lack of spiritual growth in my life.

Emotionally? I don’t know where to start. The girl I thought I loved moved on. The strength that I thought I had in myself is gone. Shoot, I don’t even have an animal that I can love. I’ve never been so alone. Some of my good friends have called me, and I’ve talked to them and without this I would have surely gone mad. But it isn’t enough. Hearing a voice emanating from a rectangular object doesn’t satiate my need for emotional connections.

Physically my body is tired. My back aches in the morning from my awful bed. My wrists are starting to get worse. My hands are calloused and my feet feel remarkably similar to volcanic rock. Out of all my problems, this is the least. I love the feeling of physical exhaustion, but only when it comes with rest. This week I worked 62 hours, 6 days. I’ve gotten up at 5am for 7 days straight, and I haven’t had a chance to just let my body go slack. Today I wanted to go for a run, but I didn’t have the mental energy to get me out the door. I just sat on the edge of my bed in my briefs and stared at nothing for 20 minutes. I wasn’t even thinking. I just sat there blankly until the sound of the phone ringing startled me out of my stupor.

Last night was the worst night of my life. I got back from work just ragged. I was so ragged that I almost blew up at my grandpa for nothing at all. I spiked my hair and went to the movie theater and watched transformers 2. I was surrounded by people who were laughing, and smiling, and I felt…empty…devoid of any meaning, of any purpose. For a fleeting moment, I asked myself what I had left to live for. I have never before been so close to losing myself. I can see the edge of the cliff, but it’s like I’m sleep walking towards it. I can’t wake up from the nightmare of my life. I get a spectator’s view of my life falling to ashes and rubble before my life, and watch my soul falling withered to the ground.

I’ve never had frostbite, but I’ve read about it. The thing with frostbite is that it hurts until you get it. Once you’ve got it, your nerves are no longer sending pain signals to your brain. In effect, you feel pain when you’re ok, and when the pain goes away, it’s too late. The worst pain comes however, when you thaw the flesh. The skin and tissue is black, rotten, and dead. If you are lucky you may keep your limbs. Usually, you don’t. I think I’ve got frostbite. It hurts like hell, but I don’t know if I’m thawing or freezing. Does it really matter? Either way it’s only going to get worse. I’m powerless. My façade of strength is falling away like an iceberg sounding. Layer by layer, my life is falling into the sea and being swallowed by nothingness. I’m a shell.

I’ve written before about mountains and the solace that they bring. I burn with longing and desire to go to the high places of the world and lose myself in their vastness. At the same time, they comfort me and minimize me. I feel at once larger than life, and smaller than the smallest insect. I don’t know why they do this to me, but I’m fighting myself. I love them so much that I feel like a traitor for even thinking about going into business. But at the same time I feel like making my hobby my life pursuit is somehow doing too little. I’m too smart to hide away in a cabin and climb mountains I saw to myself. But am I just scared of doing it because I’ve always been taught not to take the easy way, not to trust my heart? My heart is the only thing left that lets me know I’m even here! Maybe not listening to it is the worst thing that I could do.

Passion is a gift. I’ve heard this many times. I’ve got passion, and I’m stifling it. There’s nothing inherently sinful about my passion unless it becomes an idol, so I’m not worried about following a sinful desire. I DON’T KNOW! I’M LOST, CONFUSED, TERRIFIED, LOST, ANGRY, LOST, depressed, lost, I’m just lost…”