Simplicity and Confusion

Life is complicated. I hate life being complicated. I don’t mind having to wrestle with a philosophical dilemma, or debate a political solution, but I really, really hate it when life is complicated.

College for me is a combination of beautiful simplicity, and intense confusion. The beauty is in the routine. Each day, I get up, and I do the same things over and over again. It’s comfortable, peaceful. I’m a habitual person. I like routines, consistency, and the predictability of  a steady week.

The intensity comes from the knowledge that this is not real. It’s a transition. Granted, it’s a four-year, very expensive transition, but it lacks the key elements of “life out there”. I’m always struggling to calm the storms that arise when the simple and confused collide. This ranges from money, to jobs, to relationships, and to whatever else happens to be afflicting my existence.

It’s  struggle to find a balance between the two. I’ve always hated feeling second-rate, and that’s a feeling that always seems to be present in college. It can range from poor grades, to troubles with money, to feeling insignificant.

The past two weeks I had 5 tests, in 5 days. I studied a lot, and overall the result wasn’t bad. I got a 92 in french, 102 in accounting, 95 in stats, 85 in SSFT, and 80 in physics. I’m satisfied. And that’s what’s bothering me…

This feeling of contentment is one that rarely ever graces my demeanor. I’m inherently discontent. It’s what drives me, focuses me, and ruins me. The same trait that makes me strive for good grades, can also bring to the surface personality traits that I work so hard to keep hidden.

I don’t want to imply a personal observation to other people, but I do think it’s safe to say that we all try to hide parts of ourselves from others. The motives vary, but the result is the same – fakeness.

It’s this that I want to combat. I want people to know me for who I AM. Not what they THINK I am. I want to know who people ARE, not what I THINK they are. By bringing to light all that we are, good and bad, we can find the things in us that we should change.

I think there will be a great amount of hatred towards those view individuals that practice radical honesty. Because of their openness, people will not have the luxury of having false impressions. Those honest few will be unfortunately known more for their negative attributes then for their positive traits. They will be degraded, mocked behind their backs. Yet they are the purest of humans.

They value honesty and truth, more than perceptions and illusions. The mirror of mists will be broken, and the person behind the reflection will be revealed. But what will happen to these few brave souls? Unfortunately, they will shine bright for a time, until the incessant deluge of human criticism drives them either to resignation, or introversion.

I am not one of these few people. I care far too much about what people think about me to ever come close to the level of openness that radical honesty demands. Tact has a place, but sometimes truth should be undiminished. Fortunately, I’m not very tactful…

…however, I am a bit of a dreamer. I embellish things. I have a potent imagination, that influences me more often than I might desire. Yet the world has a way of bringing me down. It’s as if the universe wants me to be honest, to be simple. Simple in the way that it is simple. Seasons come and go. The leaves fall and return. The snow covers, and then uncovers.

I’m not a mystic, I’m far too cynical to ever be a tree-hugger. But I am also simple. I want my life to run like the seasons run. To come and go in an orderly pattern. Yes, there will be storms and devastation. But regardless of how strong the winds, how stinging the rain, the flower will always bloom.

So where does this leave me? Well, I try to be more authentic. I try to be more spontaneous. I try to slow down, and appreciate the little things: Lunch with a good friend…a pretty view…a friendly stranger…an energetic squirrel…

I try to be more forgiving. TRY, mind you. I try to be more “in the moment” and I try to think about the future. It’s a fine balance between here and there, and I’m rarely ever find it. The balance is like a good hike in the mountains…

As I am hiking through a beautiful meadow, I also can see the far-off peaks. I can see the flower at my feet, with the bubbling stream at yet still see the rising, jagged peak that shows me where I am going. And I can look behind, and see the course of my travels in perspective. There will be times when I lose sight of the goal, path, or the past. Yet sooner, or later, events will bring me back to the path, and I will walk.

Always moving…that is what I am. Staying still, remaining constant, being stale…never.