penitus carmen

It’s been a while, and a lot has happened. School is almost over; summer is about to begin. In the past two months I have dated and broke up with a girl, gone to KS for easter, visited Philadelphia, rock climbed, dirt bagged, worked in a forge, and slept. I don’t feel particularly inclined to write out all the details largely because I don’t believe they are all that interesting.

I tend to avoid religion in my blog. I dislike writing about it because it inevitably feels shallow, cliché, and insincere. Today however, i’m going to break the rule. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and where I see God in it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I lack a feeling of relationship with him. I will not write about my thoughts, nor my inner convictions because they belong to me, and shall stay safely inside my head and heart. In my quest for re-identification I have realized a character trait about me and God. Religion is very personal, and I am uncomfortable in places where I have to expose it.

I’m not saying that I don’t talk about religion, far from it. I’m more than happy to talk about religion and philosophy. What I am not eager to talk about it my faith – what I personally hold dear. Only a few people are considered close enough friends to ever hear me expose my deep thoughts. For many years, this secrecy felt wrong, as if I were in some way ashamed of my faith.

It wasn’t until a few days ago that I finally realized that this was not a problem. I was reading a sermon by G. Campbell Morgan and in it he talked about “an inner song.” I asked myself what my inner song was, and realized that I had no idea. I then asked myself why I couldn’t hear my inner song, and received the answer that there was too much noise around me.

I love solitude (i’m sure that comes as a big surprise to those that know me) and no other place affords me this feeling as do the mountains. When I am in the mountains, almost all of life’s distractions are left behind.

Now before i continue, I must note that I have also just read “Wild at Heart” which is an amazing book. In it, the author draws a major distinction between the heart and the mind. The heart remains pure, while the mind becomes influenced by a “false self.” I quickly saw the connection between Morgan and Wild at Heart. My inner song comes from my heart, which is where God speaks to me.

It’s not hard to see where this is going. The mountains allow me to hear my heart, and thereby hear what God may be trying to tell me. Now, I’m not a big fan of prayer. Personally, I find it incredibly fake, pointless, and boring. Why should I have to say things to a God that won’t actually say things BACK? I do pray for one reason alone: God commands it.

So I pray. I read the Bible. I talk to wise men. I seek counsel. Yet I see not the presence of God, but the words of men – mine and others. When I am in the mountains though, I hear God. The mountain for me is a personification of God. All that can be found in a mountain can be found in God.

When I endeavor to climb a mountain, I pursue God. The lessons learned while climbing are directly transferable to my faith.

I have never climbed a major peak. I have never climbed in a style that contains any amount of danger. Yet even in my shallow and safe exploits in the hills, I see and feel the spirit that larger mountains bring. I want to climb them, and someday I hope i will.

Let us return to the beginning. My faith is inner, personal, secluded. The mountains teach self sufficiency, to be dependent on oneself. It breeds a quiet confidence. My faith is the same way. It is not brazen, i do not shout from the rooftops. I do not fill my speech with religious phrases. I don’t publicly thank God, nor do I feel comfortable praying with other people. It is individual.

I have made several other discoveries about myself, ones that I will not share. I am interested to see where they lead me. I seek for consistency, for authenticity. I hope that I can find these in my life, but more importantly in my faith.

I want to hear my inner song. I want to know what God has said to me. But I need some quiet.